I need a break

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Hello, all. I know it’s been a while, I’ve been busy, I guess. Life is kinda happening, sometimes it’s being pushed upon me. I don’t know how you feel, but every other day seems to reveal news that… I’m overwhelmed by the happenings in the world.

A big part of that is that we all seem to follow the actions of one politician who must not be named. This Voldetrump has the world hold its combined breath. There’re articles over articles online, there’re tweets, there’re rumors…

To be honest, I need a break from that. I need a break from bad news and I need a break from the social medias I’m getting these at. So, beginning Monday, I will (hopefully) abstain from Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr. The plan is to not visit for a month, just to regain or keep my sanity… we’ll see how that goes.

I feel like world politics make me anxious. I consume most of it on Facebook and so maybe this will help me some. Hopefully, it will also help me start writing again (after all, I’m going to have to fill all those hours I won’t be scrolling anymore),  and reading more. Maybe I will even come here more often again, telling you of my progress.

That was just what I wanted to let everyone know. I’ll be back, I just need a break from all the insanity, maybe find a healthier regimen of consuming social media. That would be good.

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I’m Thinking [1]

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Yeah, that’s a first. 😀

Well, I’ve been absent here for awhile and not just to think. We already talked about how life gets in the way… it gets in the way of everything, it’s like it thinks it’s so important. Annoying. Sorry, just having a little bit of fun here.

So, I’ve been absent but not idle. I’ve finally (finally!) done all those revisions on Halfway Home. Well, I’m pretty sure if it’s gonna get published there’ll be an editor suggesting a whole lot more, but for now… yeah, Halfway Home is at a publisher’s right now, getting evaluated. Exciting times.

I worked through that thing in time to have surgery on my hand. I had a trigger finger which is not so much painful as it is annoying. It also gets painful with time and so I had this pretty standard surgery. And now I have to do a lot of things with my left hand. Of course, as I am just now typing this, I’m being an ass about my hand’s recovery. But seriously, do you know how boring not using your good hand is? Do you know how stupid one feels using the not so good hand, the dunce’s hand? Yeah, brushing teeth with that hand? Not a delight.

With all that going on I’ve got a little time thinking. These last few weeks I’ve read a lot about how writers writing blog are procrastinating on the real writing, how we shouldn’t be writing blog because ever so often we do that instead of the ‘real’ writing. And I thought about that and think it’s utter bull.

For one, blog writing IS writing. Just as writing an essay is, or a journal. Is there any type of writing that is not ‘real’ writing? Is there any type of writing that is ‘worthless’ writing? No, there isn’t. I like to think that all of it makes us better at what we do. This here blog may not be high brow entertainment, but it’s still important – if only for me.

For another, how is sharing experiences not important? What would we even know about writing if those before us had not written about the experience of writing? Jacksquatt is what! Yes, they wrote essays and such, but writing blog is the next best thing. yeah? It’s easily accessible and doable. Every person can do it, and every writer (in my very humble opinion) should do it. We can’t always spent time in other people’s (character’s) minds, we sometimes have to get things out of our own. And is there actually a better way to do that than writing it down? An empty page doesn’t talk back! (I like that about pages in general, not just empty ones.)

So, I stand that blog writing is important. I thought about it.

Also, I’m thinking about a new blog (actually, I’m kinda diddling with it already, but it’s not open to the public yet) – not an additional one, more of a substitute for this one. Something that looks a little bit more professional. Like the someone writing it knows what they’re doing… yeah, I know, it’s risky, but maybe I can pull it off. Thinking of translating my novella The Affair into German, too. You know, just busy thinking.

Are you thinking too? What abouts?

Yesterday’s Poem [8]

I got bored yesterday. I get bored a lot these days. But it’s not just that, it’s never just that. This is the more, I’m thinking about:

Snow White

It’s snowing.
Like memories snow flakes swirl
through the air.
Hitting the pavement.
Building new ground
to stand on.
Or slip on.

Troubling thoughts
of troubling memories
I slip on.
And the ever-present
Why?
of misunderstood convictions.

Why? does difference mean alienation.
Why? is there a better in an equal state.
Why? is nature being blamed,
framed, defamed, beaten and resisted.
Why? do I even still care.

And nothing does feel right.
And everything is a messy state of mind.
The slush of once pure snow
is causing accidents,
is causing my mind to slip further
into the dark.

There’s the ongoing nagging,
the insistance that life’s not right.
Or maybe it’s just snow and cold and ice,
the weather of a troubled mind,
the winter of a broken society.

2017 – let’s get crackin’

First of all, happy new year everyone. I know we’re already three weeks into the new year, but you may have noticed by now, I’m moving a little slower than mostly everybody I know. But it’s been a peaceful three weeks, mostly. It’s been a helpful three weeks and I feel more inclined to take on the world now that the sky hasn’t fallen. It hasn’t fallen in my little cave of an apartment – I know the world looks differently today.

As a writer, I have high hopes for 2017, but so far no concrete plans. So far, I haven’t really written anything though I’m planning every day to sit down and do. You do see, how the title of this post is kinda misleading, right? I want to write, but I’m kind of in a bubble, a cozy one where I don’t wanna stir stuff.

the-matter-of-a-secret-kiss-wOf course, as of yesterday, stuff has been stirred. I got an email from a publisher that a short story I submitted for an anthology has been turned down. Disappointing, for sure, but not the end of the world. I already put The Matter of a Secret Kiss up on my writing platforms (you may read it on Wattpad, Inkitt, or Tablo, just as you please). I hope you read and like, maybe write me a note.

I’m working on Halfway Home, making revisions. This story has been lying around for over a year, burning a hole into my brain. I feel like it’s time to work on it, finish it, send it away on its journey. It’s a novel, as of yet 75k words strong. I’m excited about it, I hope you’ll be too at some point.

There’s nothing much else. I’m trying to sort through my ideas, see what’s worth going after, what to abandon. I’m trying to make concrete plans, trying to concentrate. There’re a lot of things going on in ‘real life’ and I’m distracted.

I have to smile at this, you know. The title is so contradictory to how I feel. I’m looking at it through a Sunday haze. Maybe I’m still sleepy, maybe I had too much sleep. I can’t even say. Hopefully, I haven’t bored you to tears with it. I guess, it’s just to say: I’m still here, I’m working.

Skipping Ahead

Well, now it’s almost Christmas, and now it’s almost time to reminisce in time for New Year’s. NaNoWriMo is over and I’m sorry that I haven’t updated at least one more time, but I’ve kept putting it off and then stuff happened in life and now… I’ve written 32,330 words this NaNo which is about 2,000 more than last year. So while it wasn’t a complete success, I’m not disappointed.

savingdanvers1This year’s NaNo was mostly about fanfiction for me. Fanfiction and Supergirl (or Supergays, as I tend to lovingly call it). I’m neck-deep in the evolution of Alex Danvers’ character, I just love that tiny gay bean. And I’m so close to watching again from the beginning, just to be able to explore her more thoroughly. She’s one of the few aspects of tv that didn’t disappoint (so far) and I hope Supergirl will keep up the good work. I watched a lot of Arrow this year, some The Flash, the pilot of Legends of Tomorrow, but Supergirl is my favorite DC show to date. And I may have jumped the Marvel ship completely, because they don’t invest enough time or money in their female heroes (cancelling Agent Carter, seriously?).

I’m a fan, I tend to get invested. And it affects my writing as well. At the moment, writing fanfiction is a sanctuary, a safe place.

But, of course, I’m always trying to find my own characters and story lines. I’m currently thinking about another YA series I’d like to write. It’s post-apocalyptic stuff and I guess it fits well into current times, with political leaders showing how little they care about people… and I’m prone to seeing all the bad stuff and imagine how it all will end. Also, I love the genre. Aside from horror, it might be my favorite. I’m rereading Legend by Marie Lu and The Hunger Games series might be next.

Apart from that, I also started revisions on Halfway Home. It’s been lying around for a year now and Halfway Home.altcoming back to it is strange and wonderful. I still love the characters so much and I think it’s a great story. It’s all romance and fluff, but it makes me hopeful at the end of a year which saw little of that. I hope I’ll be able to finish it mid-January.

Today’s winter solstice – the shortest day of the year. I’ve been awake since three a.m., so it won’t really be a short day for me, but I like sitting and working when nobody else is awake and by 8 p.m. I’m usually pooped enough to go to bed. The next two weeks will see a lot of family time and food, but I hope I’ll get some work done – probably in the form of fanfiction. I haven’t decided on anything I want to write next year, but hopefully it will be more productive than 2016. Hopefully, it will be more of anything good than 2016.

Yesterday’s Poem [7]

Almost Feels Like Love

You shine
through the normal
of my world.

Breaking
the walls
it took years to build.

What you do,
who you are,
the way my thoughts
get caught in my throat,
I know___

Know the curve
of your jaw
fits the palm
of my hand;
know the sound
of your voice
will haunt my dreams
4ever;
forget what it’s like
to be alone and
become lonely instead.

I cannot have
or be given
the priviledge
of your lips
pressing the life out of mine.

I can only steal
a moment in time,
not wasted for once,
but filled with your smile.

NaNoWriMo Update [2016.2]

I stayed up all night last night to watch Supergirl (Germany is several time zones ahead of the U.S. so it was around 3:30 a.m. before it was even uploaded). It was Alex Danvers’ (Chyler Leigh) coming out episode – the most important coming out at least since it was to her sister Kara, or Supergirl (Melissa Benoist). And it made an emotional mess of me.

Why am I telling you this, you might wonder. Well, last week I jokingly (and it was only meant as a joke, believe me) wrote that I might have to start a Supergirl fanfiction because of that character – Alex Danvers. Right now, the joke’s on me because I did start a Supergirl fanfic. It’s called Saving Danvers and it’s going great.

saving-danversBasically, my writing activity right now is limited to my two fanfictions, Six Degrees of Queer which is slowly ending, and Saving Danvers which is (to me) a break from script because fanfiction has always been about romance for me. (Yes, I might have written a feminist Potter-story, but that was for a college project.) It was about the ship, the pairing, how they meet, how they get together, how they make love for the first time, how they handle their everyday life together.

Saving Danvers, though, it might be my first adventure story. Sure, Maggie Sawyer (Floriana Lima) (Alex’ love interest on the show) will be in it, but, like the show, this story is more about Alex and her relationship to Kara. But it’s also much more about Alex because that character resonates with me.

I’m a tv junkie, I’ve watched so many shows in my life, most of which I stopped watching at some point because they ruined a favorite character or a plotline didn’t sit right with me, or I never really liked anyone on it. Shows, to me, are mostly about characters. That’s why I stopped watching Buffy after Tara (Amber Benson) died and only picked the last season up more than ten years later. That’s why we all pretend the last season of Warehouse 13 never happened because making Pete (Eddie McClintock who, interestingly, has also been son Supergirl) and Myka (Joanne Kelly) a couple felt awkward at best, incestuous at worst. And that’s why I’m still in mourning over Person of Interest which was such a well-written show until they made Root (Amy Acker) the victim of a lazy trope.

And this is where Alex entered, and Supergirl, and James Olsen (Mehcad Brooks) and Cat savingdanvers1Grant (Calista Flockhart), Winn (Jeremy Jordan), Hank (David Harewood)… a good superhero show, a light superhero show with some dark elements. And it inspires me. TV sometimes hands you a tale you can’t resist, a universe that you want to expand on. And if you’re a writer you write fanfiction… even if you secretely think you should build your own writing-verse, should write OCs, should research something other than the comic book background of the characters you’re writing at the moment.

Yes, I’m a little bitter about that. But I’m also excited to be writing again every day. I’m excited to submerge into such amazing characters. I’m excited about writing. And about NaNoWriMo. And I’m still behind on my word count (16,147 to date), but I’m making progress. I’m writing an adventure.

So, what’re you working on? What’re your experiences with fanfiction? And what did you think of last night’s Supergirl (did you cry?)? Tell me in the comments.

NaNoWriMo Update [2016.1]

Here we are again – one year later, maybe even one year wiser. National Novel Writing Month started a week ago and so far, I’ve written 5,724 words (update’s update 7,082 words).

trouble%c2%b2You can see on my NaNo-profile that my NaNo-novel is Trouble² – with a nice cover including two favorite characters from a favorite tv show, Root and Shaw from Person of Interest (no copyright infringement etc. etc.) – which you could, I guess, call a AU fanfiction in progress. But then, there isn’t that much progress. I’m not really writing a novel, or maybe I’m writing several. And a Bechloe fanfiction, and a short story.

This year, I just can’t settle down on one project so I’m pretty much all over the place. And there might yet be a Supergirl fanfic coming along, because I really can’t fight my Sanvers feelings these days. But I guess that’s okay. Considering how little I got done this year, me writing bits and pieces this NaNo fits the theme.

So I’ve given myself the NaNo-rebel badge and am traipsing along through the jungle of stories I’ve got burning in different corners. One corner is still Ghosts of Helltown, as I haven’t finished that. Yeah, I know I promised that one to you for next year, but it’s on hold until I can get my shit together. And who knows if it’s going to get published then… I really messed this up, but I’m still working on it. I guess I have hope, a tiny spark in the darkness so to speak. (And just for the record, it’s a day later from that earlier stuff and I’m on my way to drunk, ’cause the election is officially over – bear with me.)

My Bechloe fanfiction in progress is Six Degrees of Queer – it’s basically Beca finding out sixdegreesofqueershe’s gay for Chloe and her friends trying to support her, mostly. Fanfiction is part of my writing life and Bechloe is still a great inspiration (with the possibility of it getting to be canon in the third movie – YAY! [let’s hope]). Writing fanfiction for WriMo is actually a cool thing because you don’t have to do any preparation other than watch your favorite show or movie – no excuse to not write, is what I’m saying!

I started a short story back in… I forgot. For an anthology that’s already been published. It was about summer love and I called my story Im Sommer – which is German for In Summer. It’s a story about an American girl, Angela, who visits German wine country for summer vacation and meets a German girl, Judith. It’s summer, there’s wine and just a little bit of a language barrier as these young women get their groove on… or something like that. I’m still working on it, or it wouldn’t be on this list. Hopefully, it will be available for free after NaNo… at Christmas, maybe? (I’ll keep you posted.)

The last corner (for now), is Trouble². It’s the story of a bondsperson and a P.I. who have a hard time working together to find a guy named Roy Bunting. They find out that Bunting is in even deeper doo-doo than they thought and that will also get these two women in trouble. Trouble², in fact, ’cause you know… I’m not sure where I’m going with this, maybe nowhere, but I like playing with these two characters in my head and giving them the happy ending they deserved.

Jumping between those stories was my first week of NaNo. How do you get along? Are you a traditionalist  or a rebel like me? Any other NaNo-thoughts? Tell me in the comments.

And just a word about this election: wherever you are, whoever you are, if you’re devastated by the American election results: please take care of yourself. Whatever happens in the time to come, you are important, you are cherished. Stay safe, stay strong, stay united.

Have some colorful hope and Anna Kendrick:

 

Why I Write

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These last two months, I haven’t written much. I wanted to, of course, but haven’t. A paralyzing bout of depression has made it impossible, and I still don’t know if I’m back, or to what capacity I’m back. Looking back, it’s like a blur, these weeks of doing nothing but playing facebook games and watching tv shows. There’s little variation, there’s no guarantee it’s over.

I didn’t mean this post to be this dark, sorry. But it’s the place where I’m at. Not writing, or not writing much, is part of the problem for me, because I’m always happier when I write. Really write. Every day. Several hours, words by the hundreds, then thousands, because that’s what happens: if you write every day, you write more, faster, hopefully better too.

But when you don’t write, things just stop. Maybe that’s already one reason I write, because life goes on. Writing is part of my life, and life usually happens much more when I write. Confidence has a lot to do with that because I really hold that writing does take confidence. And maybe I’m stating the obvious here, but it’s usually so much clearer when you don’t have it that you need it.

Note: Writing is life.

As a kid, I was about 11, I guess, I started telling myself bedtime stories. Usually, I’d fall book2asleep in the middle of it just as it should be with bedtime stories, but sometimes it got so intense that I would get up two hours later, walk into the living room or my parent’s bedroom (depending on if they’d already gone to bed) and tell my mom I couldn’t sleep. I never told her that the reason of not being able to sleep was that I told myself stories and my mind just wouldn’t shut down. She’d give me something to drink, put me back to bed. Sometimes, I would continue the story. Other times, I’d force myself not to and fall asleep.

Not being able to shut stories out, is another reason why I write. Sure, I could’ve just continued to tell myself my stories and never tell another soul about them. But as I continued my education, I found I had a knack for telling stories, I wanted to tell them, not just to myself, though I’m still my favorite audience.

If you know writers you probably heard them say that they cannot not write. It’s because stories keep coming. It’s how we process everything that’s happening in the course of one day, how we cope.

Note: Stories won’t stop telling themselves in my head – I need to get them out of there.

I was about 16 when I wrote a short story for a competition (I never sent it in, but I still wrote that story, finished it). The competition’s head line was ‘The dream of the magic word’ – it doesn’t really make that much sense, but I figured they wanted a sappy love story. What I wrote instead was a story about a woman how had HIV. After I finished it, I told a class mate about it (one of those rare moments where I opened up and shared a secret, I guess). She wanted to read it, I didn’t really want her to read it, but she was persuasive so I gave it to her – handwritten at the time. A few days later, I get a call from her. She’d shown the story to her mom and her mom had cried. I can honestly say, I’d never been as proud of myself as I was in that moment.

Note: I like making people cry. And laugh. Feel with my characters.

I’m not saying this is a complete list of reasons. And they vary so much through the times I’ve lived, for different reasons. I’ll never forgot the pride in my mom’s eyes when she held my first published work in her hands. Or the time a friend texted me that she was reading my book and was delighted that she shared a character’s name. Amazon reviews, praise from your math teacher, some distant relative asking for a signed copy of your work, those are all reasons for writing, too.

I just needed to remind myself why I write. Because there’s only one reason I do not write, one reason that shuts me down in life. And that’s – I’m afraid.

So why do you write? And do you partake in NaNo? Tell me in the comments.

NaNoWriMo Prep [2016]

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Ah, yes, it’s late in September. The temperatures are going down, though we had a rather late summer and we still get the occasional hot day. I’m really hoping for a balmy October, Indian Summer style. It’s also time for thinking about NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month, for those who do not know).

In November, writerlings all over the globe are going to retreat into their chambers, balance their portable devices on their laps and in their hands and write a novel – hopefully. 50,000 words, to be exact, is the aim. The excitement of newbies is already palpable, while repeat offenders are still busy doing other stuff and probably start preparations in the last week of October, just put it in before Halloween.

Well, I’ve started thinking about some projects, that is if I’m able to complete my current project before November (please, please, let me finish it before NaNo!) I’m actually trying to overhaul my writing regimen (if you can call it that) these days, and I’m almost back to book1writing every day, writing about 2,000 words a day. It feels good, but it’s not set in stone, because my mental health is unstable to say the least.

But, I’m still planning, still thinking about possible novels/novellas I’d like to write/finish for NaNo. Will it be the Austenesque love story I started ages ago and would so like to finish? Or maybe 2015’s NaNo attempt at a time traveller novel? Yes? No? Maybe I’ll be writing a thriller about a bondsperson and a P.I. who really need to get a room and solve the mystery around a small-time ciminal. Or what about that thing with the two women who were… ah, never mind. It’s all really vague, but I’m still excited about the concept of NaNo.

What about you? Do you have plans to participate again or for the first time? Are you already outlining your novel, or are you writing by the seat of your pants? Genre? Tell me in the comments. And if you need a writing buddy: Corikane‘s the name.

And if you’ve never come across NaNo, here’s a helpful link: www.Nanowrimo.org

See you there.